Shit My Dad Says Round 5

I’ve been slacking on this, but as a holiday treat / my conversation piece at Christmas to distract relatives from asking questions I don’t feel like answering, here’s the latest list of Classic Keven moments:

  1. When I mentioned this list: “I’m out of quotes now”
  2. When showing where his true interests are: “We need to listen to the Khloe Kardashian interview with Howard Stern. Apparently it’s really good.”
  3. When I laughed at how the front lawn is his iPad background: “I love when Jenna’s here. She has so many nice things to say.”
  4. To Mel’s boyfriend when he said he was a Pacers fan because his favourite player as a kid was on that team: “No wonder you were a shitty kid…”
  5. When I was mad because I realized someone dented my car at some point: “Well maybe you’ll get hit by a car and they’ll have to pay to fix it anyway.” Me: “Did you just say I should hope to get into a car accident?” Dad: “Well not a major one… but like in a parking lot or something.”
  6. When I quit working for our family store on weekends and said I had been working there on and off for 6.5 years: “6.5 years is nothing! People go to jail for 20.”
  7. When telling  me about his upgrade on vacation: “I complained about our TV, so we got bumped to a junior suite because the TV we don’t watch was a little snowy.”
  8. When talking to a supplier on the phone who was telling him they didn’t have the supplies they needed: “Blah, blah, blah. Not interested.”
  9. When discussing mom’s 50th birthday celebrations (her birthday is September 5): “Your mom’s birthday goes until the end of October. We had dinner with our friends last night, so… Happy Birthday to you… Then we have family dinner this week, so… Happy Birthday to you…. Then we’re going on vacation to celebrate, so… Happy Birthday to you…”
  10. After he was done singing happy birthday for mom’s birthday: “My birthday’s on the 24th. Don’t do a damn thing. I’m good.”
  11. When discussing his parenting tips: “When my kids didn’t listen, I would just disconnect the Internet. Within thirty seconds they would come running.”
  12. When complaining how my mom keeps old yearbooks and high school letters: “Sentimental stuff… just scan it in and throw away the hard copy. It takes up space.”
  13. When saying he’s not ‘thaaaaat’ short: “I got insoles for my shoes. I’m like an inch taller now.”
  14. I wasn’t actually there for this, so I have no quote, but my mom sent me this picture when his back was sore. You’ll notice that in classic mom fashion, her finger is the photo:img_2602
  15. When talking about cancelling Netflix: “Kids are gone, I don’t use it. I’m liquidating everything.”
  16. While scooping ice cream for cake: “I’m on a diet, so I’ll just have two scoops.”
  17. While talking about going to the Keg: “We got some appies.” Me: “Dad, just say appetizers or apps.” Dad: “No. It’s appies.”
  18. When we were leaving to move Matt into his res for college and he put on a toque: “It’s 10 degrees. I have no hair. I get cold.” It was September 3rd..
  19. In a text the night before moving Matt in: “The bus leaves the station at 6:30 a.m.” Me: “6:30? You do realize it’s in Oshawa, not Ottawa…?” Dad: “It’s not my first rodeo. I like to be first.”
  20. When showing how sad he is to not have any kids living at home now: “We are renting out the 3 bedrooms. $1500 a month, $18,000 a year. That’s 4 cruises a year including gratuities.” Me: “I like that you’re counting in cruises.” Dad: “That’s how I came up with the numbers.”
  21. When guilt tripping us on mom’s birthday: “Did you get a cake for mom? Mom always makes for you girls.”
  22. Honestly, I don’t even remember what triggered this one: “I had Rogaine when I was younger. I had to special order it. It was watery! It would just run down my face.”
  23. In a text when I agreed to help at our store on Christmas Eve and asked when I would be working until: “We close at 3 but I think by noon you should be fine. Noonish.” Me: “Noon.” Him: “Ish. Like ish 30 to 45.”
  24. When discussing a work issue: “I have been known to lose my cool… From time to time.”
  25. When I programmed my Android box: “I knew you could do it. Your sister might have had a more difficult time.”

To wrap this up, here’s a picture of Keven watching his all-time favourite movie: Hitch. This is also exactly how he looks when he reads his own quotes back to himself.



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