Sh*t My Dad Says Round 4

Can’t start off 2016 with 2015’s quotes still in my phone….

1. When looking at the debit terminal at a restaurant and realizing he can actually read this one: “Now THIS is a good font.”

2. When Melissa mentioned mom had wanted to go to an Air Supply concert: “Seriously…? SERIOUSLY? No. Come on…. Oh wait, damn… we were away.”

3. “I woke up choking, I’m coughing and she turns over and goes, ‘shh!!’ I’m dying, but sorry I’m loud.”

4. While mom was firing up their popcorn maker: “Is this Orville or are you saving that?”

5. When I had to send Matt a message from dad’s phone because he didn’t have his glasses (because he NEVER has his glasses): “Is it green or blue?” “Blue…” “HE’S SUPPOSED TO HAVE HIS FUCKING DATA OFF.”

6. While ranting about Matt’s obscene monthly data usage: “He’s off the plan! He’s going to call his phone and it’s going to say this number is not in service. You know what he’s going to have to do? He’s going to have to call Bell and say, ‘hi, my name is Matt. I’d like to activate a plan please.'”

7. “Your mom’s attitude sucks lately.”

8. While feeling proud and generous: “I let your mom have the window seat today on the airplane.”

9. While talking about nose piercings: “A long time ago, I asked my kids not to come home with silverware on their faces.”

10. “I sold poppies one year. I never took less than five dollars. I made the most.”

11. While explaining how bright the alarm clock my mom bought is: “If you put the clock on top of the house, everyone driving by would know what time it is.”

To further illustrate his frustration, here’s a screenshot of the text he first sent me about it.


To be fair, when he’s not using the flash on his phone, it is pretty bright…

12. While my parents were away, my bother took the spare room mattress to his friend’s house and stayed there. It was taking a while for him to bring it back: “If that mattress doesn’t come back, the internet is going to have a serious problem. It’s gonna be broken.”

13. After getting free parts for the ovens at our family’s store: “Hey…. You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

14. About dieting: “I’m falling off the wagon. The good thing is that wagons have low sides, so when you fall off, you can get back on.”

15. When I heard my voice on a video from Christmas and said my voice sounds terrible on video: “No, that’s how it sounds all the time.”

16. When giving me advice for dating: “Put a sign on your car that says, ‘looking for the right guy.'”

Classic Keven…