Dear Customers (December 15th)

Dear customers, no… You can’t have the two free without buying one.

Dear customers, “Can I have my size?” doesn’t help me. I need a number.

Dear customers, you can’t just point in the general direction of a section and ask to try ‘that pair’ on. Be more specific.

Dear customers, looking at a shelf of heels and asking for the tall ones does not help me. At all.

Dear customers, if you come in and ask to try on more than 5 pairs of clearance shoes, know that I am cursing under my breath.

Dear customers, please stop acting like whether or not to purchase a pair of 10 dollar shoes is a life or death decision. It’s 10 dollars. And no, I’m not putting them on hold.

Dear customers, if you have to put shoes on hold and then come back with your mother, boyfriend, sister, friend, brother, father or imaginary friend to make your decision for you, you need to learn to be more independent.

Dear customers, stop thinking you’re a half size. You’re not all special.

Dear customers, please stop bending my shoes. They’re flats. No, they don’t have support. Stop trying to snap them in half to prove your point.

Dear customers, if you ask, I will tell you what shoes in the store are real leather. You look stupid walking around smelling all of the shoes on the shelf.

Dear customers, why do you feel the need to say “seriously?” when I tell you the deal. I’m not joking. I’m not standing at the door telling you fake deals for shits and gigs.

Dear customers, no, you can’t return something that is final sale. Not sure why that’s a shock.

Dear customers, why do you feel the need to put everything back on the shelf backwards?

Dear customers, please refrain from tearing the soles out of shoes.

Dear customers, yes, please come destroy every display and then not buy anything. I love when you do that.

Dear customers, no… You can’t use your store credit from a completely different company at this store.


Holy Sh*t, I’m 20…

The most useful book I’ve ever read was an impulsive purchase that I couldn’t resist.  I was in line at a home decor store (I can’t remember which) the summer before my first year at Carleton and saw it by the cash.  I bought it for the funny title, but figured it probably contained some decent advice.  It did.

This impulse buy was as good as the time I decided to buy that first bottle of wine…

Your 20’s are when you grow up, start life and let’s be serious, get your shit together. This book is filled with tips on how to do that and I’ve decided to share some of them with you lucky people.

The book has twenty chapters and I’ve picked my favourite tip from each one. It’s lovely because it looks like I planned this out to time it perfectly for a post in the week of my twentieth birthday. Twenty chapters, Twenty tips, Twentieth birthday.  What a theme. It worked out so well that I couldn’t help but change the title to match– it now contains twenty characters. I didn’t stop there– the previous sentence contains twenty words. Multiply the number of sentences by two and you get twenty. Finally, this paragraph is one hundred words. Divide that by five? Twenty.

**Please feel free to re-read that awesomely designed paragraph.  I’m rather content with it.

I’ve chosen 20 tips, but there are 1001.  I honestly recommend that you buy this book because I’ve never seen so much useful information in one binding– and I’m an avid Cosmopolitan reader.

The book: 1001 Things Every Teen Should Know Before They Leave Home (Or Else They’ll Come Back) by Harry H. Harrison Jr.

Chapter 1. They Should Know Life Is Difficult So They Won’t Get Discouraged and Move Home

“38. They should know overcoming difficult times is how people gain self-respect.  And the respect of others.”

Chapter 2. They Should Know How to Not Look Stupid Because People Will Notice and They’ll Have to Move Home

“103. They should know how to defend a position without yelling, swearing, or door slamming.  And it’s a bonus if they know what they’re talking about.”

Chapter 3. They Should Know How to Get a Job So They Can Make Their Own Money and Not Have to Move Home.

“177. They should know to remember the goal in negotiations is not to get fifty grand a year.   It’s to get hired, get trained, get experience, build their value, get money, and get out of the house.”

Chapter 4. They Should Know How to Keep a Job and Get Promoted So They Don’t Get Fired and Have to Move Home

“246. They should know successful people are delusional: they’re not as good or as smart or as necessary as they think they are.  But their confidence takes them to the top.”

Chapter 5. They Should Know How to Live on a Starting Salary So They Won’t Go Broke and Have to Move Home

“325. They should know the unexpected happens every month.  Sewers back up.  Friends walk through glass doors.  The old lady next door doesn’t put her cigarette out.  They need to budget for the unexpected too.”

Chapter 6. They Should Know Where “The Money” is So They Don’t Get Stuck in a Loser Career and Have to Move Home

“353. Public Relations Specialist”  Yay for hope that I could someday be successful.   This chapter was a list of the top fifty career choices based on salary and growth.

Chapter 7. They Should Know How to Locate and Conduct Themselves in Their First Apartment So They’re Not Thrown Out and Have to Move Home

“397.  They should know to budget no more than one-fortieth of their annual income on monthly rent.  That means if they’re making $35,000 a year, they can afford $875 a month.  Tops.”

Chapter 8. They Should Know How to Move Their Stuff So It Doesn’t Get Broken or Lost and They Have to Move Home

“447. They should know one of the great things about a house-warming party is that friends will help unpack boxes as long as they can drink and eat.”

Chapter 9. They Should Know to Avoid Declaring Bankruptcy So They Don’t Have to Move Home

“453. They should know that bankruptcy will follow them for seven to ten years and cost them thousands and thousands of dollars in higher interest payments.”

Chapter 10. They Should Know About Relationships So a Bad One Won’t Force Them to Move Home

“480. They should know that seeking perfection in a mate will assure them of a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment.”

Chapter 11. They Should Know How to Live Without Mom Waking Them Up, Doing Their Laundry, and Taking Care Of Them or Else They’ll Move Home.

“599. They should know most of the world’s truly  successful people wake up before everyone else.”

Chapter 12. They Should Know the Secrets of Home Repair and Home Depot So When Something Breaks, They Won’t Move Home

“639. They should know they won’t look like a fool by walking into a Home Depot and announcing they don’t know what they need, how to install it, or where it goes.  They’ll look like a customer.”

Chapter 13. They Should Know How to Buy and Maintain a Car So They Don’t Spend $50,000 on a Junker and Have to Move Home

“They should know that, at the end of the month, dealers would sell their mother to sell a car.  By the end of the year, they’re eyeing their first born.”

Chapter 14. They Should Have an Adult’s Vocabulary So They Don’t Sound Like a Teenager and Have to Move Home.

This chapter was a list of 100 words every high school graduate should know.  BRB while I google at least half of the words while feeling like a failure.

Chapter 15. They Should Know How to Get So Rich, Their Parents Can Move in With Them

“795. They should know these three words: get rich slowly. Works every time.”

Chapter 16. They Should Know What Gets the FBI and IRS So Mad at Them, They Have to Hide Out and Move Home

“820. They should know filing too many exemptions is just like stamping their return with a big red ‘AUDIT ME’ stamp.”

Chapter 17. They Should Know God Loves Them Even When Nobody Else Does So a Spiritual Crisis Doesn’t Cause Them to Move Home

“851. They should know to decide in advance what kind of person they want to be in all situations.  Or they’ll leave themselves vulnerable.”

Chapter 18. They Should Know How to Avoid Getting Sued So They Don’t Have to Spend All Their Money on Lawyers and Move Home

“895. They should know to not crack sexual jokes at work.  Talk about gardening.”

Chapter 19. They Need to Know to Hold On to Their Ethics So They Don’t Sell Out and Have to Move Home.

“932. They should know that if they wait to do the right thing, the right thing may never get done.”

Chapter 20. They Should Know How to Act and Think Like an Adult Because the Alternative Will Force Them to Move Home

“965. They should not be afraid to make a decision.  And stick with it.”

Secret Messages, 2nd Edition

Works the same as the ‘To The People I Talk to Most’ post.

While procrastinating, I decided to do a little creeping on Facebook and Twitter.  And by ‘a little,’ I mean a lot.

I had way too much fun with this… now if you were tagged in any photos after 7:15 pm on Nov. 3,  your photo numbers could be off…

Here’s what I stumbled across:

To the one who has way too many blazers,

In the album titled ‘Me,’ picture number eleven: by far the cutest picture of him in my opinion.  So cute.

To the one whose bus pass is always lost,

Under ‘Photos of You,’ picture 217.  It’s from prom.  It’s not your photo, you were tagged in it.  YOU MAKE THIS FACE ALL THE TIME. Also, sorry… yours is the most annoying to find.

To the one I once lent my Gossip Girl discs to and who had to deal with my blackberry alarm (sorry again),

Timeline photos, posted on Dec 27, 2011: cutest best friend shot.  I love it. Also, mobile uploads, photo 26 (soaking up rays).  My fave ❤

To the one who used to have the rainbow necklace,

Your tweet on Oct 24 at 6:23 (had to specify the time since you tweet so damn much) made me laugh.  Your life is hilarious.   I love creeping your twitter. Also, photos of you on facebook, number 32: You champ.  I love it.

To the one who knows what “secrets can kill” and “deception island” refer to,

Question: why do you follow both of the Obamas on Twitter…? Also, profile pictures from Jan 26, 2010 and Sept 29, 2009 … learn how to hold the damn dog.  The one from Jan 26, 2010 is priceless.

To the one who knows what “birdwatching” refers to,

Photos of you, number 53. Cutest photo ever.  It would be such a stunning black and white.  My birthday is Nov 9th.  I’ll accept a framed copy as a gift.  K thanks.

To the one who wants to try Peach Four Loko,

3rd oldest album, photo 6.  YOU ARE SO YOUNG. Also, loving the hairstyle.  You should wear it like that again.

To the one who has the online shopping addiction,

Profile picture number 5 is my favourite. Put that in black and white, you model.  Also, in profile picture number 12, you look like your sister! I never noticed that before.

To the one who’s doing all of the impressive research,

Photos of you, number 84: I totally forgot this happened.  So embarrassing but it was fun, so that’s okay.  Btw, you look absolutely stellar in the picture before that.

To the one who walked into my wall after drinking too much wine,

Photos of you, number 111: Memories to never forget.  Thanks for always being crazy and awesome and completely you.  There’s a reason everyone loves you– don’t forget that.

To the one who will have a car here next year,

Well first of all, the hashtag on your tweet from Oct 18 at 5:53… love it. Also, photos of you number 87: sums us up pretty well i think.

To the one who told me what the giraffe picture riddle answer was,

Profile picture number 47: could you have whiter teeth…? Such a good picture, I love it.  And under photos of you, number 66 (taken May 13): LOVE THIS

To the one I sent the “my consumption for the next 36 hours:” text to before the midterm,

Your one photo in iOS uploads still makes me laugh.  I love it.

To the one who pulled the tablecloth to win in Spoons,

Let me start by saying I felt creepier than usual for this one considering we’re not facebook friends… but sorry not sorry… creeped it anyway.  Your first profile picture and the one from June 20, 2012 are super pretty. Also, on the last one, I’m surprised he spelled ‘beautiful’ right.

To the one who uses the nickname I hate,

Now this one took effort to find.  It was on my timeline ages ago when you were tagged, but when I went to find it, it looked like you had hidden it.  Fortunately, I somehow remembered who posted it…. I’m guessing you hid it for a reason, so rather than telling you where it is and risking someone figuring out who this message is to and finding it, text me and i’ll tell you where it is.

To the one who sent the “Sparrow Face” snapchat.

Go find the album you posted with my name and the name of one other person in the title.  I love it.  Random shit like this is why we’re friends.

To the one who got me addicted to Strawberry Blended Lemonade at Starbucks,

Well first of all… photos of you, number 6. I love it because I love the story that goes with it. Second, the album titled, ‘odds n ends’.  The entire album is hilarious and I’m totally not sorry for creeping this far.  I also noticed that in the last photos you’re wearing heels. ACTUAL HEELS.

To the one who “lives on the bus,”

Photos of you, number 5:  i’m in love with your outfit. And profile pic number 44 (yes… i went that far) is super adorable.

To the one who calls me Asian,

In profile picture 3, you look high… also,  don’t post song lyrics with your pictures… you’re not a girl.

To the one who sucks at the game clue and likes the nastiest flavours of Stride gum,

Photos of you, number 19.  Who are you, Miley Cyrus?

To the one who always says, “gurl” and “loves It,”

On September 30, 2009, you were tagged in a picture with the caption: *note marsh…. you model, you…

To the one who thinks Ottawa is too French,

Mobile uploads number 4: the truest fact of all the facts.

11 Things You Must Do To Take Care Of Yourself In This Crazy, Crazy World

Thought Catalog

1. Take time off to arrange your desk/bag. Stack loose sheets of paper and tab them accordingly with coloured post-its. Colour-code your files on your laptop, arrange them into a square, a rectangle, a cross or a heart for the ambitious. Sit back and admire your work.

2. Do not sit down and rehash memories about the less crazy days in the past. Happy memories only serve to amplify how crazy life is now, and how much you wish to go back to the good ol’ days. Sad memories just make you sad. Instead, create new memories because you have the power to do so. Keep creating memories because they are fresh and refreshing all at the same time. 

3. Think back on all the little things you never expected to happen today, like the lady who came over to share her umbrella with you under the drizzle when you…

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Shit My Dad Says

You might have seen some of these on Twitter already… I tend to tweet about my family when I’m home.

1. “I rented out a room in my first apartment.  I charged the guy the rent for the entire apartment. He didn’t know.”

2. “I used to sell am/fm walkmans at school. Thirty bucks.”

3. When advising Melissa on how to get a job after graduation: “Be like Katniss.”

4. “I’m spending all my money now so I don’t have to give any to the kids.”

5. “Shut up.  Your mom loves pictures, we love pictures.”

6. When they were going ring shopping: “I’m going to go looking poor so they only show your mom the cheap rings.”

7. “I used to breed dogs.  I’d sell them when I walked my own dog.  I’d bring an extra and when kids stopped to pet it, I’d tell the parents, ‘$150 and it’s yours.'”

8. When I told him I did well on a midterm for a class I don’t go to.  “That’s great.  Do we get a tuition refund for you not going to class?”

9. When my parents were leaving for vacation and giving my siblings and I the rules: “And we usually go out for dinner on Fridays, so if you guys want, go to King Henry’s.  Melissa, you can bring Derek.  Matt, you can bring Alarice.  Jenna, you can bring….. yourself… or a friend or something.”

10. When giving me wine at dinner: “Jenna, I don’t know if you’ll like this.  It costs more than $9.95.”

11. When complaining about my mom’s automatic air fresheners: “My food tastes like bounce sheets.”

12. To Melissa: “If you get my pillow from upstairs I’ll buy you a nice gift when you get married.”

Writing to you from the 5:30am VIA…

I figured I would write a little about my hometown since I’m on my way there for Thanksgiving.

Uxbridge is a tiny little town, but it’s my favourite place in the whole wide– JUST KIDDING.

My friends and family are in Uxbridge, so I’m excited to go back, but I can’t say I’m the town’s biggest fan.   Here’s how it compares to Ottawa:

1. Ottawa has bars.  Notice the ‘s’ on the end of ‘bar’.  There’s not just one bar, there are MULTIPLE bars.  And get this: they’re not the basement of sports pubs.  Actually, I should add that the little basement bar in Uxbridge got shut down, so now the number of bars is 0.

2. Ottawa has theatres with more than two screens.  I do have a soft spot for my tiny little hometown theatre, but to be honest, my friends and I usually have to leave town to see the movie we want to.

3. Ottawa doesn’t have tractor traffic.  I’m not kidding… this happens rather frequently in Uxbridge.

4. Ottawa has more 24 hour options. You’re not always forced to choose between Tim Horton’s or McDonald’s, which by the way are probably the most popular places to hang out in that town.

5. Ottawa has more options in general. If I have Boston Pizza one more time….

6. Ottawa has places to shop. Unless you can afford to shop at the swanky little boutiques in Uxbridge, you’re basically S.O.L.  The biggest and most popular place to shop is Walmart.   Feel my pain, people.

7. Ottawa has options for new experiences.  In Ottawa, you can find a new restaurant, a new bar, new people, a new park to walk through, a new store to shop at, etc.  There’s always an option to find something new.  In Uxbridge, new does not exist.  There’s nothing new to see, no one new to meet and no where new to go.  That fact is probably my least favourite thing.

I think I’ll leave it at that for now.

If you do happen to visit Uxbridge one day, try not blink while you drive through it– you’ll miss it.

P.S. In case you haven’t noticed, I really like lists.

To The People I Talk to Most

I thought it would be nice to post some messages to my friends.

Then I decided to not include any names. This seemed like more fun.

So my dear friends, can you find your message?

To the one who thinks i’m too sassy

If it weren’t for you, my midterm and exam grades in my communications and business classes would be absolutely pitiful.  Thanks for being my study buddy.

To the one who also loves Phil’s-osophies

I’m proud of you.  Keep working hard.  A few months ago I wrote you a letter and when you called me all upset because you lost it, I said I would write another.  Sorry I never did.  I promise I’ll write one soon.

To the one I always contact through FaceTime

I miss the days of bets, notes and you going through my purse.  I hope I get to see you soon.  If you ever come to Ottawa, set aside a night for us to hang out.

To the one who prefers ‘Diane’ to ‘Rose’

The other day I remembered ‘necklaces’ and ‘belt buckle’ and couldn’t help but laugh.  To you, I say thanks for always giving me more credit than I deserve and  I sincerely hope things start to work out for you– you deserve the best karma in the world.

To the one who I call so often, she assumes her missed calls are me

We need a day of cocktails and gossip.  In all the years we’ve been friends, we have never gone out drinking together.  We need to change this.  Those lists we love to make will be even funnier. Also, thank you for being the one to always read my pointless posts.  You rock.

To the one who has my spare key

First of all, congrats on finally finding that damn key.  Second of all, cheesy fall photos soon. Third of all, thanks for always listening to me ‘wine’ and complain.

To the one who also uses the 72 hour rule

My life would be rather dull at times if you didn’t let me tag along all the time.  Our days of using the 72 hour rule may be behind us, but I’m excited to see what we each find next.

To the one who always understood my need for walks and chocolate and the good swing

I hope someday you come visit Ottawa for a few days.  We’ll have marathons of  our favourite shows and I’ll buy you a Beavertail… it’s all sugar, so you’ll love it of course.  We can even go to Tim’s so you can shred your cup.

To the one who also says MFSMF

I would really really love it if I could come stay with you for a few days.  We need to hang out sometime when I’m not rushing back home so we can actually catch up without Skype glitching and freezing and making conversation difficult.

To the one who wanted help with math

I know you… If you’re reading this, you’re procrastinating.  BUT, since you’re here… Keep working hard– you’re close to accomplishing your goal.  I’ll see you in a few days!

To the one whose apartment I am in love with

I’m so happy we both have time to hang out on Fridays.  It’s nice to see you and catch up.  We’ll have to go to cabin together sometime soon.

To the one who also loves Scandal

I think we need some sort of weekly tradition.  Start brainstorming.  It has to be awesome.

To the one who knows what ‘H’ refers to

Regardless of the fact that you ended up falling on your head while drunk, I am always surprised at how well you handle alcohol.  Karaoke should happen again… maybe this time we won’t have to sprint to make the train or wind up waiting for the last bus.

To the one who understands just how much I love wine and how little I love reporting

As soon as your season of work is over and you are able to crash at my place, we are having the greatest wine night ever. And keep sending me snapchats!  They make the day more interesting.

To the one who knows how much I love the last word

I would be surprised if you stumbled across this message, but if you’re reading it, thanks for all of the hilariously entertaining conversations and arguments.  I hope you come visit Ottawa sometime soon.

To the one who shares my love of going to Billings Bridge to procrastinate

It’s been too long since we’ve ordered onion rings and pizza.  We should really fix that.  Ps. Thanks for always listening to me go on about the same old shit all the time.

To the one who loves El Jimador

You, my friend, have lots to learn in the next few years and I can’t wait to watch you make mistakes trying to do so.  If you ever need help, give me a call.  I promise I’ll only laugh a little before I lend a hand.

Things I Don’t Understand

Just a few  super important things I’ve been wondering about lately.

1. The obsession with tea. Everyone seems to be in love with David’s Tea and all of the magical flavours and clear travel mugs and all I can do is wonder why I would want my tea to taste like birthday cake. I don’t want to drink birthday cake… I want to eat it. In cake form.

2. Why Everyone Loves Breaking Bad. Guys, I watched every episode. I still don’t get why everyone thinks it is so intense.  Although I think the series was wrapped up well, I found most of the episodes rather boring and repetitive.

3. The excitement over iOS 7.  I thought it was just a software update that most people ignore, like iTunes updates. When I open that, I’m like, “No thanks.  I do not wish to update from version 9.7.7  to version 11.5.3. That would just take time and it seems pointless.” I was a little thrown off when Twitter blew up with excitement from a software update for phones. I mean come on guys, cool your jets… they changed the icons.

4. Instagram. I don’t have it.  I really just can’t be bothered to know what Girl A’s Starbucks order was this morning or what Girl B’s ‘Outfit of the Day’ is. I don’t know what is so #fascinating or #interesting about #pictures with #twelve #hashtags.

5. Why People Think Pinterest Projects Are Easy. I’ve tried the odd DIY project off of Pinterest. They seemed easy enough… Well guess what? All I have to show for it is a ruined canvas that is hiding in my closet and some painted wine bottles that look terrible and occupy the floor of my closet… beside the ruined canvas.

6. Why People Request the Final Stop on the Bus Route. The announcement actually says, “Billings Bridge Station. Last Stop.” I promise you, the bus driver will stop to let you off the bus.

7.  Why People Feel the Need to Share Every Update in Their Life. Does the world really care about your cat or what you ate for dinner? No. But you post about it anyway.  I don’t understand why we do that… For example, why am I posting this list? This benefits no one.

8. Why Tim Horton’s on Campus Only Has One Cash Open in the Morning.  University students need coffee before 8:30am classes. Having only one till open is just stupid. I have to take an earlier bus just to get coffee before class.  And yes, I know I could make coffee at home, but then I would have to carry around a travel mug all day. Not interested.

If you’re reading this, you must be even more bored than I was when I started writing this list. You poor soul. Go do whatever it is you’re procrastinating right now.

Dear Customers (October 6th)

It’s been a while since I’ve complained about my customers…  weird since that’s one of my favourite pastimes.

Dear customers, no… In a buy one, get two free sale, you can’t pick two pairs now and come back another day for the third.

Dear customers, if you’re wearing crocs, I will not take you seriously.

Dear customers, if you’re going to stay fifteen minutes after close, at least buy something.

Dear customers, please don’t let your kids smear ice cream all over my couch.

Dear customers, yes you have to pay tax.  No, paying in cash does not change that.

Dear customers, cut the sass and stop rolling your eyes at me.  I didn’t price the shoes.

Dear customers, stop mumbling.  Use your words.  I can’t help you if I can’t understand you.

Dear customers, all you need to do is tell me the shoes are too big.   Kicking them off at me to prove your point is really unnecessary.

Dear customers, please ask your children to stop jumping on the couches.  And climbing the shelves.  I would also prefer if your 3 year-old wasn’t trying on heels.

Dear customers, I’m sorry, but your child is not allowed to go into the stock room.  Please keep him in the storefront… I’ve already brought him back three times.