Sh*t My Dad Says: Round 3

In honour of his birthday this week, here’s the latest list of ‘Classic Keven’ moments.

1. While Matt was getting ready for prom: “Matt, I told you. Prom isn’t about you, it’s about the girls. What you want doesn’t matter.”

2. To the neighbour before I moved into my grandparents’ house: “Are your boys home? Good. My daughter is moving in next door and needs a boyfriend.”

3. While paying for dinner: “Laurie, can we use your credit card? I can’t see a damn thing.”

4. As students were walking down the aisle at my grad: “100 grand…. 100 grand… 100 grand…”

5. As Matt is DD (in a calm voice): “Matt, hit the fucking brake.”

6. Casually reminding us of the house rules: “Rule number one: don’t upset your mother. Rule number two: refer back to rule number one.”

7. At Matt’s grad: “Three hours Jenna? Are you kidding me? I will pay you off to get me out of here early.”

 Here’s a nice picture of the moment he found out it was a 3-hour ceremony:IMG_0036

8. When my mom said, “everyone says it that way.”: “You know who everyone is? Your mother.”

9. When explaining how he never has to wait in line at a certain office: “I don’t wait. I walk in and they call me right away. It’s fast. Plus I bring them steaks every once in a while.”

10. When obsessing over his car: “I try not to drive at night. Then you don’t get bugs on your car.”

11. When discussing how he’s going to maintain his diet on his cruise: “I’m not really going to eat anything on the cruise. I’m going to save my calories for the booze. I have the unlimited drinking package.”

12. Further explaining that plan: “Rye and diet: 100 calories. Domestic beer: 157 calories. A good calorie intake for the day is 1200. Do the math.”

13. In a text when I said I would come into work on my day off: “You Da Bestest.”

14. While my mom is DD-ing us back to Uxbridge: *reclines passenger seat all the way back* “Whoaaaaaa this thing just keeps on going, eh?”

15. When my mom asked what the hell he was wearing: “What…? I match. Plaid and plaid…”

Apparently this outfit is acceptable:

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Then again, I also saw him wearing this once:

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Classic Keven.

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Sh*t My Dad Says: Round 2

Just a few more quotes from Kev.

For the record, my dad is aware that I keep this list on my phone. He loves it. He’s constantly requesting that I read out the quotes when we have company over.  It’s like he thinks he’s funny or something.

1. When reading the bill at dinner without his glasses: “Can’t read shit.  Looks good.” *Takes out credit card*. When my mom asked if he wanted to know the total: “No. It looks like a big number…”

2. When telling us about when my mom moved in: “It took her six months to stop asking if she could have a cookie.”

3. When discussing childhood: “I didn’t have friends. I had dogs.”

4. While drumming on the steering wheel: “You know I’m all about the bass, ’bout the bass, no trouble.

5. When I told my parents I went to the Panda Game with my friends and they didn’t believe me: “You went to a football game and it wasn’t a date… Right… Because I remember all the times we watched the Super Bowl together…”

6. When discussing me moving in April: “You have until April to get a boyfriend. I need the guy to help me move your furniture.”

7. While I was borrowing my grandmother’s car for the winter: “Jenna, part of having the car is washing it when you can no longer see out of the windows. I just called to tell you that.”

8. In the background while I’m on the phone with my mom: “Tell her to do the assignment she’s procrastinating right now!”

9. When Melissa was talking about her discussion with her students about who does more cooking in their families: “Did you tell them our kitchen is closed until Christmas?”

10. When he sent a text with a picture of my mom at the stove: “Yes, it is Laurie.”

11. In response to my mom saying he messed up banking: “I don’t really know what your problems are and frankly, I don’t care.”

12. While teaching him to play a simple family domino game, Mexican Train: “You guys are pissing me off with these f***ing rules.”

13. When talking about the separate lounge area they bought into on a cruise: “Well Gen Pop is too crowded.”

14. My mom goes by Laurie. Legally, her name is Laura, which is what is on her cruise ID. When back at home after vacation: “I like Laura. Laura really likes Rye and Cokes. Laura’s more fun.”

15. When I told him I hit a savings goal I had set: “Okay good. Lend me some cash so I can keep Princess Laurie in the lifestyle she is accustomed to.  She is becoming high maintenance.”

16. My siblings and I have a shared data plan. My brother chews up almost all of it well before the bill renews on the 10th of each month. When I sent him a message saying, “It’s not even November and Matt has blown through 2.5 GB”: “Yes dear.” No further comment…

17. Back to the private lounge area on the cruise. It’s called Vibe. Only 60 spots are available and it’s first come, first served. He sent me this from the ship: “We are out of Gen Pop. I pushed my way into first in line.”  He takes this shit seriously. Just to emphasize that point, here’s a picture of him on a recent vacation where he and my mom were the first people to make it through check in. That tag he’s holding says ‘Group 1’. Please note that NO ONE ELSE IS THERE YET.

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18. The time he sent me a text when they were almost late to the cruise port because of traffic and would have missed Vibe: “Almost didn’t get it. I was scared. The idiot cab driver did not take the tunnel like I told him to. I actually made the cab pull over and took my luggage out and started walking from downtown Miami. Your mom was freaking.”

19. In case you haven’t yet clued in, my parents really like cruising. On their latest vacation, they went sailboat racing. In front of everyone on board when the boat was rocking back and forth: “Laurie, don’t fall overboard! Who’s going to do the laundry!?” 

20. And the best one: “Are you going to add that to your list…?”

Classic Keven.

Shit My Dad Says

You might have seen some of these on Twitter already… I tend to tweet about my family when I’m home.

1. “I rented out a room in my first apartment.  I charged the guy the rent for the entire apartment. He didn’t know.”

2. “I used to sell am/fm walkmans at school. Thirty bucks.”

3. When advising Melissa on how to get a job after graduation: “Be like Katniss.”

4. “I’m spending all my money now so I don’t have to give any to the kids.”

5. “Shut up.  Your mom loves pictures, we love pictures.”

6. When they were going ring shopping: “I’m going to go looking poor so they only show your mom the cheap rings.”

7. “I used to breed dogs.  I’d sell them when I walked my own dog.  I’d bring an extra and when kids stopped to pet it, I’d tell the parents, ‘$150 and it’s yours.'”

8. When I told him I did well on a midterm for a class I don’t go to.  “That’s great.  Do we get a tuition refund for you not going to class?”

9. When my parents were leaving for vacation and giving my siblings and I the rules: “And we usually go out for dinner on Fridays, so if you guys want, go to King Henry’s.  Melissa, you can bring Derek.  Matt, you can bring Alarice.  Jenna, you can bring….. yourself… or a friend or something.”

10. When giving me wine at dinner: “Jenna, I don’t know if you’ll like this.  It costs more than $9.95.”

11. When complaining about my mom’s automatic air fresheners: “My food tastes like bounce sheets.”

12. To Melissa: “If you get my pillow from upstairs I’ll buy you a nice gift when you get married.”