Ladies, we need to talk about something. I don’t know how well this one is going to go down, so maybe take a moment to go and grab that lemon, that chase, that honey, that spoonful of sugar – whatever you need to make the medicine go down – and continue on.
Let’s have a little chat about dating and hypocrisy.
Note: If you don’t want to read this whole post, at least read and remember this:
Take responsibility for your own actions.
** write that 10 times
Well look at you… you’re still reading. Thanks for sticking around. Let’s get to it.
If you’ve hung around me lately, you may have heard me say I have two rules for my friends and for myself: Own your decisions and handle your shit. In this post, I’m going to try to keep the rant to a minimum (it’s a struggle for me, so you’re welcome) and just focus on the first one, because that one just happens to be annoying me more at the moment. What I’ve been noticing for a while now is that when something in our personal lives doesn’t work out, we can be quick to place blame and pretend nothing we did ourselves factored into that outcome. We fail to take responsibility for the decisions we made leading up to that point.
That needs to stop.
What also needs to stop is how we often get so mad at guys for doing some of the things that in my opinion, are just common occurrences in this messy game that is dating in 2016. To reiterate: WE DO THEM TOO.
I once wrote a list titled, “The 15 Guys You’ll Date in University.” It was first published on this little blog of mine and I wrote in the beginning that every guy on the list was based on either a guy in my life or the life of a friend. *Cue the guessing game and some hilarious text messages*. I thought it was a fun list, so I submitted it to a student-run site for other people to read.
I promise there’s a point to this story…
When it was posted, it was shortened to 12 guys. That’s totally fine; I expected them to shorten it. I had resubmitted it with 16 guys after adding one more for a friend. What bothered me was which guys had been deleted.
The ones removed were all scenarios on the list where the girl was really accountable for the fling/relationship/whatever you want to call it ending. That frustrated me (as did the ADDED grammatical errors and emojis. I DON’T DO WINKING FACES). It frustrated me so much that I didn’t even share the published article. I even emailed the editor to see if she could find out for me why the copy editor took those ones off the list. She was nice enough to investigate and got back to me explaining that the copy editor wanted to shorten it and felt “those ones were the least relatable.”
Least relatable? Girls…. Sometimes we fuck up. Sometimes we break hearts. Sometimes we turn a good thing into a mess. Why is admitting that something which is considered “not relatable”?
We need to take accountability for the roles we play in our failed relationships. Sometimes we do get hurt and didn’t do anything to warrant it. Sometimes the guy is just scared. Sometimes people move. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. But so many times, we pretend we had nothing to do with the crash and burn of the relationship when we actually did. It’s bullshit.
Let’s play a little game of check yourself. Can you honestly say you have never ‘ghosted’ or ‘faded out’ on a guy before? You’ve never ignored the morning message from the guy you gave your number to at the bar the night before? You’ve never flirted with a guy while you’re in a grey area with another? COME ON. Now think about this: have you ever ranted to your friends about how “shady” some guy is because he did any of those things to you?
There’s an awful double standard here where if a guy stops texting you, or a friend, he’s a despicable person who has no regard for the feelings of others. But when girls do it we say things like, “we haven’t been seeing each other long and we’re not even dating, so I don’t really owe him an explanation.” And then we sip our wine, nod along with our friends and go on thinking it’s completely acceptable. Fast forward a few months later and we’re gulping that wine, talk-yelling about how what’s-his-face is so rude for ignoring your messages.
In these situations, there are two things to remember:
- If you can do it and not be shady, so can he. If something was acceptable for you to do, it’s acceptable for him to do. That’s called being fair.
- If your relationship isn’t working out, you may be part of the problem. Nobody’s perfect, so stop acting like you are. That’s called reality.
In my opinion, it’s nothing to be ashamed of—being the one who caused the end. So something didn’t work and you chose to cut ties. Good for you. Way to make a choice. We don’t need to always be the one crying into the ice cream. We don’t even need to be the ones waiting around to get asked out. A few months back, a friend of mine told me that a girl had a beer sent to him at a bar. Good for that girl. Way to be bold. My point is men and women are even in this game. Stop pretending otherwise.
Just kidding… one more little note to finish off this rant…
If you’re that girl who is trying to support a friend who just got dumped or ghosted or whatever, don’t start shredding the guy’s personality, appearance, attitude or anything else. Your friend already feels like shit – don’t pile it on further by making her feel like she was foolish for falling for the guy in the first place. The “I told you so” attitude is the last thing she needs. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the sister solidarity, but maybe try something along the lines of, “I’m sorry things didn’t work out. You deserve better than that.” Okay? And let’s not forget – once upon a time, at some point, you might have done the same thing he did.