Sh*t My Dad Says: Round 2

Just a few more quotes from Kev.

For the record, my dad is aware that I keep this list on my phone. He loves it. He’s constantly requesting that I read out the quotes when we have company over.  It’s like he thinks he’s funny or something.

1. When reading the bill at dinner without his glasses: “Can’t read shit.  Looks good.” *Takes out credit card*. When my mom asked if he wanted to know the total: “No. It looks like a big number…”

2. When telling us about when my mom moved in: “It took her six months to stop asking if she could have a cookie.”

3. When discussing childhood: “I didn’t have friends. I had dogs.”

4. While drumming on the steering wheel: “You know I’m all about the bass, ’bout the bass, no trouble.

5. When I told my parents I went to the Panda Game with my friends and they didn’t believe me: “You went to a football game and it wasn’t a date… Right… Because I remember all the times we watched the Super Bowl together…”

6. When discussing me moving in April: “You have until April to get a boyfriend. I need the guy to help me move your furniture.”

7. While I was borrowing my grandmother’s car for the winter: “Jenna, part of having the car is washing it when you can no longer see out of the windows. I just called to tell you that.”

8. In the background while I’m on the phone with my mom: “Tell her to do the assignment she’s procrastinating right now!”

9. When Melissa was talking about her discussion with her students about who does more cooking in their families: “Did you tell them our kitchen is closed until Christmas?”

10. When he sent a text with a picture of my mom at the stove: “Yes, it is Laurie.”

11. In response to my mom saying he messed up banking: “I don’t really know what your problems are and frankly, I don’t care.”

12. While teaching him to play a simple family domino game, Mexican Train: “You guys are pissing me off with these f***ing rules.”

13. When talking about the separate lounge area they bought into on a cruise: “Well Gen Pop is too crowded.”

14. My mom goes by Laurie. Legally, her name is Laura, which is what is on her cruise ID. When back at home after vacation: “I like Laura. Laura really likes Rye and Cokes. Laura’s more fun.”

15. When I told him I hit a savings goal I had set: “Okay good. Lend me some cash so I can keep Princess Laurie in the lifestyle she is accustomed to.  She is becoming high maintenance.”

16. My siblings and I have a shared data plan. My brother chews up almost all of it well before the bill renews on the 10th of each month. When I sent him a message saying, “It’s not even November and Matt has blown through 2.5 GB”: “Yes dear.” No further comment…

17. Back to the private lounge area on the cruise. It’s called Vibe. Only 60 spots are available and it’s first come, first served. He sent me this from the ship: “We are out of Gen Pop. I pushed my way into first in line.”  He takes this shit seriously. Just to emphasize that point, here’s a picture of him on a recent vacation where he and my mom were the first people to make it through check in. That tag he’s holding says ‘Group 1’. Please note that NO ONE ELSE IS THERE YET.

cruise1

18. The time he sent me a text when they were almost late to the cruise port because of traffic and would have missed Vibe: “Almost didn’t get it. I was scared. The idiot cab driver did not take the tunnel like I told him to. I actually made the cab pull over and took my luggage out and started walking from downtown Miami. Your mom was freaking.”

19. In case you haven’t yet clued in, my parents really like cruising. On their latest vacation, they went sailboat racing. In front of everyone on board when the boat was rocking back and forth: “Laurie, don’t fall overboard! Who’s going to do the laundry!?” 

20. And the best one: “Are you going to add that to your list…?”

Classic Keven.

Holy Sh*t, I’m 20…

The most useful book I’ve ever read was an impulsive purchase that I couldn’t resist.  I was in line at a home decor store (I can’t remember which) the summer before my first year at Carleton and saw it by the cash.  I bought it for the funny title, but figured it probably contained some decent advice.  It did.

This impulse buy was as good as the time I decided to buy that first bottle of wine…

Your 20’s are when you grow up, start life and let’s be serious, get your shit together. This book is filled with tips on how to do that and I’ve decided to share some of them with you lucky people.

The book has twenty chapters and I’ve picked my favourite tip from each one. It’s lovely because it looks like I planned this out to time it perfectly for a post in the week of my twentieth birthday. Twenty chapters, Twenty tips, Twentieth birthday.  What a theme. It worked out so well that I couldn’t help but change the title to match– it now contains twenty characters. I didn’t stop there– the previous sentence contains twenty words. Multiply the number of sentences by two and you get twenty. Finally, this paragraph is one hundred words. Divide that by five? Twenty.

**Please feel free to re-read that awesomely designed paragraph.  I’m rather content with it.

I’ve chosen 20 tips, but there are 1001.  I honestly recommend that you buy this book because I’ve never seen so much useful information in one binding– and I’m an avid Cosmopolitan reader.

The book: 1001 Things Every Teen Should Know Before They Leave Home (Or Else They’ll Come Back) by Harry H. Harrison Jr.

Chapter 1. They Should Know Life Is Difficult So They Won’t Get Discouraged and Move Home

“38. They should know overcoming difficult times is how people gain self-respect.  And the respect of others.”

Chapter 2. They Should Know How to Not Look Stupid Because People Will Notice and They’ll Have to Move Home

“103. They should know how to defend a position without yelling, swearing, or door slamming.  And it’s a bonus if they know what they’re talking about.”

Chapter 3. They Should Know How to Get a Job So They Can Make Their Own Money and Not Have to Move Home.

“177. They should know to remember the goal in negotiations is not to get fifty grand a year.   It’s to get hired, get trained, get experience, build their value, get money, and get out of the house.”

Chapter 4. They Should Know How to Keep a Job and Get Promoted So They Don’t Get Fired and Have to Move Home

“246. They should know successful people are delusional: they’re not as good or as smart or as necessary as they think they are.  But their confidence takes them to the top.”

Chapter 5. They Should Know How to Live on a Starting Salary So They Won’t Go Broke and Have to Move Home

“325. They should know the unexpected happens every month.  Sewers back up.  Friends walk through glass doors.  The old lady next door doesn’t put her cigarette out.  They need to budget for the unexpected too.”

Chapter 6. They Should Know Where “The Money” is So They Don’t Get Stuck in a Loser Career and Have to Move Home

“353. Public Relations Specialist”  Yay for hope that I could someday be successful.   This chapter was a list of the top fifty career choices based on salary and growth.

Chapter 7. They Should Know How to Locate and Conduct Themselves in Their First Apartment So They’re Not Thrown Out and Have to Move Home

“397.  They should know to budget no more than one-fortieth of their annual income on monthly rent.  That means if they’re making $35,000 a year, they can afford $875 a month.  Tops.”

Chapter 8. They Should Know How to Move Their Stuff So It Doesn’t Get Broken or Lost and They Have to Move Home

“447. They should know one of the great things about a house-warming party is that friends will help unpack boxes as long as they can drink and eat.”

Chapter 9. They Should Know to Avoid Declaring Bankruptcy So They Don’t Have to Move Home

“453. They should know that bankruptcy will follow them for seven to ten years and cost them thousands and thousands of dollars in higher interest payments.”

Chapter 10. They Should Know About Relationships So a Bad One Won’t Force Them to Move Home

“480. They should know that seeking perfection in a mate will assure them of a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment.”

Chapter 11. They Should Know How to Live Without Mom Waking Them Up, Doing Their Laundry, and Taking Care Of Them or Else They’ll Move Home.

“599. They should know most of the world’s truly  successful people wake up before everyone else.”

Chapter 12. They Should Know the Secrets of Home Repair and Home Depot So When Something Breaks, They Won’t Move Home

“639. They should know they won’t look like a fool by walking into a Home Depot and announcing they don’t know what they need, how to install it, or where it goes.  They’ll look like a customer.”

Chapter 13. They Should Know How to Buy and Maintain a Car So They Don’t Spend $50,000 on a Junker and Have to Move Home

“They should know that, at the end of the month, dealers would sell their mother to sell a car.  By the end of the year, they’re eyeing their first born.”

Chapter 14. They Should Have an Adult’s Vocabulary So They Don’t Sound Like a Teenager and Have to Move Home.

This chapter was a list of 100 words every high school graduate should know.  BRB while I google at least half of the words while feeling like a failure.

Chapter 15. They Should Know How to Get So Rich, Their Parents Can Move in With Them

“795. They should know these three words: get rich slowly. Works every time.”

Chapter 16. They Should Know What Gets the FBI and IRS So Mad at Them, They Have to Hide Out and Move Home

“820. They should know filing too many exemptions is just like stamping their return with a big red ‘AUDIT ME’ stamp.”

Chapter 17. They Should Know God Loves Them Even When Nobody Else Does So a Spiritual Crisis Doesn’t Cause Them to Move Home

“851. They should know to decide in advance what kind of person they want to be in all situations.  Or they’ll leave themselves vulnerable.”

Chapter 18. They Should Know How to Avoid Getting Sued So They Don’t Have to Spend All Their Money on Lawyers and Move Home

“895. They should know to not crack sexual jokes at work.  Talk about gardening.”

Chapter 19. They Need to Know to Hold On to Their Ethics So They Don’t Sell Out and Have to Move Home.

“932. They should know that if they wait to do the right thing, the right thing may never get done.”

Chapter 20. They Should Know How to Act and Think Like an Adult Because the Alternative Will Force Them to Move Home

“965. They should not be afraid to make a decision.  And stick with it.”

Shit My Dad Says

You might have seen some of these on Twitter already… I tend to tweet about my family when I’m home.

1. “I rented out a room in my first apartment.  I charged the guy the rent for the entire apartment. He didn’t know.”

2. “I used to sell am/fm walkmans at school. Thirty bucks.”

3. When advising Melissa on how to get a job after graduation: “Be like Katniss.”

4. “I’m spending all my money now so I don’t have to give any to the kids.”

5. “Shut up.  Your mom loves pictures, we love pictures.”

6. When they were going ring shopping: “I’m going to go looking poor so they only show your mom the cheap rings.”

7. “I used to breed dogs.  I’d sell them when I walked my own dog.  I’d bring an extra and when kids stopped to pet it, I’d tell the parents, ‘$150 and it’s yours.'”

8. When I told him I did well on a midterm for a class I don’t go to.  “That’s great.  Do we get a tuition refund for you not going to class?”

9. When my parents were leaving for vacation and giving my siblings and I the rules: “And we usually go out for dinner on Fridays, so if you guys want, go to King Henry’s.  Melissa, you can bring Derek.  Matt, you can bring Alarice.  Jenna, you can bring….. yourself… or a friend or something.”

10. When giving me wine at dinner: “Jenna, I don’t know if you’ll like this.  It costs more than $9.95.”

11. When complaining about my mom’s automatic air fresheners: “My food tastes like bounce sheets.”

12. To Melissa: “If you get my pillow from upstairs I’ll buy you a nice gift when you get married.”

Writing to you from the 5:30am VIA…

I figured I would write a little about my hometown since I’m on my way there for Thanksgiving.

Uxbridge is a tiny little town, but it’s my favourite place in the whole wide– JUST KIDDING.

My friends and family are in Uxbridge, so I’m excited to go back, but I can’t say I’m the town’s biggest fan.   Here’s how it compares to Ottawa:

1. Ottawa has bars.  Notice the ‘s’ on the end of ‘bar’.  There’s not just one bar, there are MULTIPLE bars.  And get this: they’re not the basement of sports pubs.  Actually, I should add that the little basement bar in Uxbridge got shut down, so now the number of bars is 0.

2. Ottawa has theatres with more than two screens.  I do have a soft spot for my tiny little hometown theatre, but to be honest, my friends and I usually have to leave town to see the movie we want to.

3. Ottawa doesn’t have tractor traffic.  I’m not kidding… this happens rather frequently in Uxbridge.

4. Ottawa has more 24 hour options. You’re not always forced to choose between Tim Horton’s or McDonald’s, which by the way are probably the most popular places to hang out in that town.

5. Ottawa has more options in general. If I have Boston Pizza one more time….

6. Ottawa has places to shop. Unless you can afford to shop at the swanky little boutiques in Uxbridge, you’re basically S.O.L.  The biggest and most popular place to shop is Walmart.   Feel my pain, people.

7. Ottawa has options for new experiences.  In Ottawa, you can find a new restaurant, a new bar, new people, a new park to walk through, a new store to shop at, etc.  There’s always an option to find something new.  In Uxbridge, new does not exist.  There’s nothing new to see, no one new to meet and no where new to go.  That fact is probably my least favourite thing.

I think I’ll leave it at that for now.

If you do happen to visit Uxbridge one day, try not blink while you drive through it– you’ll miss it.

P.S. In case you haven’t noticed, I really like lists.